im all about you

well..thats the song playing on my winamp now,by that whinny voice Aaron Carter.nevertheless not a really bad song.

sigh...i need a damn good relaxing massage,to relax every single nerves in my body AND perhaps a good week vacation.away from this stupid singapore.

unfortunately...its not gonna come true in the near future.

'That CD shop' called to reject me...sigh..am i not pretty enough for ur shop?
i got kinda upset and really wanna cry..coz im so sick of all these nonsense.
i really really wanna get away from all these for a good time.im so not ready to get settle down in an office and learn to deal with the corporate shit.
i really wanna do something i like but those jobs doesnt come to me.
rejection is tough to face!

but i can feel the tension given by my parents already.im pretty sure that they are not counting on my big brother.my father had enough of that job and now is not working.but again..he is hitting retirement,he cant really work..for another 2 years.i would say..he is at the most gonna push himself for another year or so.and i cant let my mum work there anymore.
so everything and everything and everything fall on ME.

maybe im timid and useless...i really dun like and is very scare to face that kinda big burden.i dunno how am i gonna do that alone?so im so hurrying for a job,going to try all the jobs even though i know i will not be interested in working there.im faking a personality thats good enough and hopefully to ace that interview each time.i am almost..baring myself to face all that im gonna face.
and im so scare...

im not scare of working..but my heart is not settle in there yet.but if that is what i have to face eventually,im not scare.
im only scare of...i dunno..i dun like to use the word 'burden' coz i dun view my family as burden.
maybe its that responsibility.

a responsibility to carry on..im taking over my parents when im settle for a job.im gonna be that hope to my parents and at least something for them to be proud of.my paternal relatives is one thing i have to struggle with.
ya..they are all richer than us,produces kids faring better than us and so on.i dun feel justified.

sometimes..im so scare that i wish im alone in a secluded island,so i can cry out loud.be who i am inside..that timid and so afraid of everything me,and cry.

i dun wanna share this with my family.coz my parents always see me as a sensible stuborn gal,they trust me that i will be someone capable on my own.i dun tell my lil brother coz he is too young to share with me,and he wouldnt understand.further more i should be the one he look up to..someday,i hope.
just skip my elder brother,he is also the reason that i have to push myself like this.

i dun feel pitiful,you know.and i dun like to be.oh yes..i would love someone to protect me from all that..but that does not help anything.cos those are the things im gonna face.and i know..in this world,im so fortunate and blessed.

and upon thinking of that..i know i have to go on and it doesnt help to stop.
just how much i can keep pushing is another issue.

jason helps alot..he gave me alot of strength,but at the same time let me knows how vulnerable i am.
he is one of my source of strength in life.

but that is one vital minus point,if it is a plus pt now.what i mean is..should one day i lost him...i would not be able to stand on my own for good.

i can easily encourage pple to move on,but the same words never work for me.

so i view this period of tough time as a training for me..to become someone stronger and tougher.
alot of times...its thru hardships that build up a person.
so its often those poorer kids that suffer from hardship since young, grow up to be someone that can stand on his/her own.

i guess...in this pt..God is fair.